Hey guys James here, I wanted to let everyone know that the humor this time around isn’t for those under the age of eighteen. I get very disturbingly out there and trust me when I say that viewers discretion is highly, HIGHLY advised!
(James fades to black as Scene cuts to James in the Kitchen and trying to turn on the Keurig hot water device with a Hot Cocoa single serve packet in the device and James looking disheveled and missing the button to turn on the device missing as Paulo Fonseca walks in.)
Paulo: Hey James how are you doing today? Lea called she is concerned about you and wants to know the plans you and her have on the fourteenth? (James turns and growls like Wolverine and slams Paulo onto the fridge and James has Paulo by the throat.)
TLOTA (Sounding like he’s foaming at the mouth): DON’T MENTION THAT DAY! BESIDES I’VE SEEN THE WORST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO SEE! IT WAS SO BAD THAT I HAVE YET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT AND I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!
Paulo (Off-Screen): James? (James turns to see Paulo & Rebecca looking in the doorway looking at James in the Kitchen.)
Rebecca: Are you okay? (Cut to James having his hands cupped on the door of the refrigerator with his eyes shifting to the doorway and back to in front of him three times.)
TLOTA: You wouldn’t happen to have a tranquilizer that could take down thirty ton Rhino would ya?
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
(Scene changes to James pacing back & forth in his office and then looking at his audience and pressing a button showing quotes from actual movie critics ranging from The Late Great Roger Ebert to Leonard Martin and quotes from people who saw the movie about the movie in question.)
TLOTA: DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE? But since you’re here I guess I can try because to review something THIS horrendous but what can be said. You cannot laugh at a bad joke so many times. You cannot say “That stereotype is insulting” so many times before it loses meaning. So instead of looking at this as a movie, I am instead going to look at this as a Cinematic Suicide Bomber! Something that wants to, feels the need to and deserves to die and take EEEEVERYBODY with it! That way when I find the people who green-lit, produced, wrote & directed this pile of garbage I will feel NO remorse when I pummel them to death with their own intestines! With that said, “Gigli” (Show title scene of “Gigli” and few clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): And there is a reason why this is the movie “Film Brain” has not & probably will never review this ungodly abomination because it is unredeemable. How Affleck had a career after this? I’ll never know but after watching this any career killed by being in a Shia LaBeouf film I’ll never complain about again unless that is the career of the actor was really, really so bad it had be killed by being in a movie starring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: But if you really…REALLY…REEAALLY WANT TO SEE ME REVIEW THIS PILE OF TOXIC WASTE! THIS IS “GIGLI”! SHOOT ME NOW! (A pair of hands holding a gun at James’ right side of the head when the image cut backs to see Rebecca ready to put a bullet into James’ head) HEY Whoa Rebecca! What the hell?
Rebecca: I’m here to put you down like Old Yeller!
TLOTA: Rebecca, I know I shouldn’t say this because this is coming a few days after the anniversary of someone I could call an equal having tried to eat a gun but it was a joke and seeing as how I just said that I am now forced by Internet reviewer union mandate to use this! (Show clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker as he shouts at Harley Quinn “IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THERE IS NO JOKE!” before cutting back to James & Rebecca) There, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!
Rebecca: Sorry but if you had the choice between reviewing “Gigli” and being out of your misery which would you choose?
TLOTA: Good point but I still have to review it.